State of Flux

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21st February 2009

Please go to the following link, scroll down and vote for Ryankurr :)


9th February 2009

10:18am: Poetry Hour
Thank you to all of you who turned in for our Poetry Hour! It's 10am and you're getting an update from KURR, the internet's written radio station. We have a very special poem that I will read to is by special request. It is entitled, CUNT.

With a long beaky nose
the woman stalked her exboyfriend
all that day
and all that night
until he forced her out of his life
now she sleeps all day
in a pit of despair
with the blinds drawn
to create an artificial night
only to ironically leave the lights on at night
when demons, monsters, vampires and psycho killers come out to play in her apartment

The woman
with stringy hair and sparkly teenage makeup
begins her journey
with the highest highs and shrills of joy
that dissolve instantly with an outburst of disgust and illogical annoyance

She searches
day after day
for a mini ketchup bottle
1 inch high
imported from Tanzania
costing $35.00
and instead
settles on 52 diamond rings, a ruby laden crown, hand pressed makeup from Singapore, a unicorn skin rug and a mini bag of fairy dust
all because they were cute
and small
small like her easter egg breasts
and common sense

the woman whittles away at her life
trying to decide
should she buy something or go crazy
when in reality
there is no choice
there is only both

Thank you...this concludes poetry hour. Up next...we have an open discussion on "how to obtain $5000 in 14 days"
Current Mood: bored

8th January 2009

2:04pm: Kisi Kisi Kisi
I miss playing Cat by the Sugarcubes on internet jukeboxes in bars and being the only one excited to hear it.

12th December 2008

7:15am: up there and to the left
if by chance i did cross paths with this person, i'd hide it. I would. But maybe it would be different when I actually got there. I could think differently. Oh Ryan, be honest...well, maybe it would be. Why is that such a holy grail? It's not just because of the obvious reason.

I am baking this weekend. I also applied at a gluten free bakery and have an interview. Weird.

I thought of some things i can add into the manuscript of my first draft. I think it will make it slightly more rich and lucious...and some of it will bring a clever sense of humor to it. If I may be so bold. and I will be. I just was.
Current Mood: restless

15th November 2008

10:01am: The Board
I had a board meeting last night. Which is something kind of like a tarot deck...but on a board, and much more clear and less cryptic. I was totally amazed at the information coming out of it, information that was totally relevant and information that Shelly couldn't have known.

It went from "You" to "create" to "V" ...where it stopped. It stayed there until I said what V stood for...or what I thought it could stand for. Then it moved. It moved to "go" It then traveled repeatedly to "You" "V" "Go" over and over. Then when I finally said okay, as in Igot the message. It changed. "You" "Other" "Go" when asked who or what is other it clarified "you" "other" complete" "celluar" "create" go"......"you" "V"..."go"

I couldn't believe it.
Current Mood: shocked

13th November 2008

7:11pm: habit
I have a habit. Someone gave their opinion on why I do it...but it seemed only half true. But, I can't help it. I don't really want to stop doing that. Im used to it. And then...what if it DID work out the way I hoped...then what would I do. Then I'd really have something to deal with!
Current Mood: sick

8th November 2008

11:05am: Urban Project
This is from my friend Jay's blog while he is in Tanzania working with Urban Project. It is the most interesting thing I've read this morning.

"'s easy to forget that they live and sleep on the street...Regardless, they laugh, hug, sing and dance more than any of my rich friends. That's just life here for them."
Current Mood: cold

6th November 2008

3:36pm: tea on a rug
A friend of mine mentioned that I haven't updated in ages. It is true. I feel that I never have any use for this thing anymore. Which I believe is what my last post was about as well. Right now, right this second, Im still deciding if I really need this. It is one of those "Ive had it for so long" type of well as all the people who I pretend to follow.

Well, Im going to try my hand at an actual entry today. is raining. Well, not at the moment, but it has been. I sent in my absentee ballot and I voted for the first time in my life. I never wanted to before this year. I thought politics were corrupt, unchangeable and as far as voting was concerned, I never knew enough about any candidate because they all seemed to present the mentality, the same goals, the same everything. But after witnessing what politics can really do...and seeing....really seeing and feeling how a candidate can be different, and how important it is to make sure those who represent what this country needs , I decided to follow this year closely and become very involved. I think a lot of people who felt as I did also ended up becoming more involved as I did. Which is very refreshing and gives me hope for America. But, I am tired of reading about politcal postings... even when I write them myself.

In other news my favourite holiday is coming up this month. I am excited. My sister is finally sitting down to read the rough draft of my second novel. Now I realize that there are plenty more of other things that I wouldn't mind updating...if I knew people weren't going to see them. What is the point of that? I have to start taking the bus and I have no idea how it works here. I'll figure it out...I just dont want to. Sometimes I wish I could learn like in the Matrix. All too easy yes, but so effective.

I have a lot of goals this year. A lot. Things are also not going completely as planned and it vexes me.

That's all.
Current Mood: okay

16th September 2008

3:37am: trip
I want to go on a vacation and pretend to be twins.
Current Mood: drained

1st September 2008

12:50pm: why?
why do I still have a livejournal? I never use it.
Current Mood: awake

17th April 2008

2:15pm: panic
I was looking out the window yesterday and all of my feelings came full force to the surface. Before, in the past, when I was at my deepest points of emotion, I thought, this is as deep as it can ever I can go. Surprise...a few years later and I've peeled off that old layer and found a whole nother level. I thought what if something goes wrong, what if this is a bad choice, I know no one, I know nothing, I dont know the language, when I come back I have no where to come back to, I dont know anything about anything etc etc. I couldn't breath, my chest locked, for an hands begun to shake and my body followed. I totally unraveled. And...this decision seems 75% out of my hands. It's weird. For the longest time, I said to myself that my best years would be 27-32. I dont know why, I just felt that. Then my sister told me about the Saturn Return...and blew me away...

Saturn Return: The Twenty-Ninth Year

By Skye Alexander

Many of us approach our thirtieth birthdays with anxiety, even dread. We start looking for gray hairs and paying attention to ads for wrinkle creams. We question whether we are climbing the career ladder quickly enough. We hear the biological clock ticking loudly and worry that soon we will be too old to bear children.

Astrologers call the period between ages twenty-eight and thirty "Saturn Return." That's because it's the first time the planet Saturn completes its cycle through your birth chart and returns to the spot it occupied when you were born. Internationally respected astrologer Rob Hand calls Saturn Return "one of the most important times in your life. . . a time of endings and new beginnings."

For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world's stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on yourself at your most fundamental level. The Saturn Return is every individual's search for the Holy Grail.
Coming of Age

The first Saturn Return marks the end of youth and the beginning of the productive adult years. It is now that you truly become an adult--not at eighteen or twenty-one. You realize your need to define yourself as an individual within society and to demonstrate what you've learned. Newswoman Jane Pauley described turning thirty as having grown into womanhood. German film director Werner Herzog compared this period in his life with a maiden's loss of virginity, a line drawn across his path marking the end of his youth.

This transition into adulthood is often accompanied by a sense of urgency, a feeling that you must try to accomplish everything you've ever wanted or planned to do now. Goals start to come sharply into focus. If you have not settled into a definite career, or have been pursuing one that is inappropriate for you, you'll experience a strong push to establish yourself in a more fulfilling occupation. Sometimes this means a complete change. During his first Saturn Return Vincent Van Gogh decided to be a painter rather than a minister. More frequently it means a new direction or specialization within your chosen field.

If you have been building steadily toward a goal that's right for you, Saturn Return can be a time of achievement and rewards. Your labors bear fruit. Runner Bill Rodgers' Saturn Return marked the first of three consecutive Boston Marathon wins. William Faulkner published his first novel at age twenty-nine.

According to California astrologer Stephen Arroyo, author of Astrology, Karma and Transformation, "The quality of the entire experience and the extent to which it is felt to be a 'difficult' time depends entirely on how one has lived during the previous twenty-nine years." If you have been pursuing an unsuitable vocation or merely fulfilling someone else's expectations, Saturn can be relentless in prodding you to make adjustments.
Revising Worn Out Patterns

Saturn strips away illusions and points out limitations, allowing you to view yourself in a harsh, often unflattering light. At the same time, it endows you with prudence, practicality, and the perseverance to work hard toward achieving your purposes. Consequently, this is a good time to rearrange your career or lay the foundation for a new one.

Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs. According to Hand, "Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being."

Often interpersonal relationships are deeply affected by Saturn Return. Gail Sheehy writes in Passages: Predictable Crises in Adult Life that during this period "Almost everyone who is married will question that commitment." The U.S. Census Bureau lists the peak divorce years as ages twenty-eight to thirty. Some people experience more subtle or private adjustments in their patterns of relating, such as shifts in responsibilities. Many couples decide to become parents, not only altering their relationships but their financial obligations and perhaps their vocations as well.

If a relationship is sound, based on mutual respect, honesty, and sharing, it will probably survive the test of Saturn Return and become even stronger. But a relationship begun before the partners knew what they really wanted is likely to fall apart. Relationships that start during this period may have a "fated" or "karmic" quality about them.
When Enough is Enough

"Saturn. . . is never easy to deal with because his function is that of promoting growth," explains astrologer Liz Greene, author of Saturn: A New Look at an Old Devil, "and it is only frustration and pain which at present are sufficient goads to get a human being moving." This frustration and pain have given Saturn a bad reputation. But the planet's often misunderstood value lies in its very ability to evoke pain. Like the pain of an illness, it warns that something is wrong. Saturn doesn't create the problems, it merely illuminates them.

Growth is often accompanied by trepidation and turmoil. As the old self is pushed aside to make room for the new, you may feel weak and vulnerable. You want to move ahead, yet are frustrated by a fear of doing so, torn between a compelling urge to throw off everything connected with your past and an equally frantic need to cling to the familiar rather than brave the great unknown.

Even if your external world seems to be in order, your internal structure may feel as though it's being assaulted with a battering ram. Nervous conditions, irritability, depression, insomnia, and feelings of insecurity are common. Most people go through some sort of identity crisis.

Even though your Saturn Return may be disturbing, ultimately it reveals what you truly want and sweeps away the clutter that may have been impeding your progress. Your Saturn Return is a personal spring cleaning. No matter how difficult it seems to let go of inappropriate people and things, the first Saturn Return is the time to do it. For if lessons are not learned, the problems will come knocking again during your second Saturn Return at about age fifty-eight, when you are more set in your ways. Once the conflict is confronted, the tension usually subsides. You feel stronger and more capable of moving ahead.

Saturn Return is one of the most crucial turning points you ever experience, when you assume the greatest responsibility of all: responsibility for your own life.


3rd April 2008

9:07am: *wave*
bye bye Chicago.... :/

23rd March 2008

8:23pm: Mt. Doom 2004-2008
I lived on a Mountain, right at the top
this beautiful view, from the top of this mountain

Mt Doom
Current Mood: indifferent

20th March 2008

7:53pm: about my book
Ryan says:
they estimate it to be around 276 pages

john says:
ok quite lengthy for a first work , you must have something to say

18th March 2008

6:02pm: breakdown
Im beginning my breakdown. It's finally beginning to hit me that I'm leaving San Francisco. A place I moved to where I knew no one, nothing and had never been before. Which forced me to make it home. And I did. For those 4 years. Now it's about to be over. Im having a hard time adjusting to that fact. When I admit that to people, they always seem to say "but it's exciting." Im not saying im not excited...or what Im doing isn't's not about that. Why does no one understand that?
Current Mood: sad

12th March 2008

3:47pm: favourite quote
"I can't believe how much money I've spent fucking up my life."
Current Mood: annoyed

10th March 2008

6:49pm: Wanderlust, March 26th is so soon
I am leaving this harbour
Giving urban a farewell
Its habitants seem to keen on God
I cannot stomach their rights and wrongs

I have lost my origin
And I don't want to find it again
Whether sailing into nature's laws
And be held by ocean's paws

Wanderlust! relentlessly craving
Wanderlust! peel off the layers
Until we get to the core

Did I imagine it would be like this?
Was it something like this I wished for?
Or will I want more?

Lust for comfort
Suffocates the soul
Relentless restlessness
Liberates me (sets me free)

I feel at home
Whenever the unknown surrounds me
I receive its embrace
Aboard my floating house

Wanderlust! relentlessly craving
Wanderlust! peel off the layers
Until we get to the core

Did I imagine it would be like this?
Was it something like this I wished for?
Or will I want more?

Wanderlust! from island to island
Wanderlust! united in movement
Wonderful! I'm joined with you


Can you spot a pattern?

(relentlessly restless)
Current Mood: scared

1st January 2008

10:35pm: control
so miss kittin was really great. I had a lot of fun. I need to exercise control when im out sometimes. Seriously.

Happy 2008. God, how did that happen already?
Current Mood: tired

21st December 2007

9:18am: typical
A few weeks ago Trevor said things to me that I really needed to hear. For some reason, it really stuck this time and my outlook and behavior began to change. I became more positive, I became more self assured and all that energy began attracting new things, and good people.

Now Im just pissed. Now Ive met someone who actually does live in the same city (and for those of you who really know know that is a BIG thing) and I really am interested in seriously dating this person, and it still has an expiration date because IM leaving. There are people who I really enjoy being around and now that will all end too. Yeah I know things change and I´ll find something new to replace what was lost, but I don´t want to hear that...because that´s lame. It just sucks. So now I just have to enjoy for the next few months.
Current Mood: sad

13th December 2007

12:53am: 2003 made us Violently Happy
Current Mood: amused

27th November 2007

4:45pm: haaaa
I went for a drive yesterday. I saw Danielle Steele's home, and Robin Williams' too. All I can say is...MUST BE ROUGH!

I cant stop eating lately. I am just going to enjoy myself for the holiday season. Cuz soon, I will be snacking on harðfiskur intead of Oreos.
Current Mood: full

10th November 2007

8:18am: Iceland
So here I Iceland once more. Im just a little nervous about Monday. But today is only Saturday. Although I know it could be something totally life changing. I still have two very strong feelings in opposition.
Current Mood: calm

1st November 2007

12:15pm: Halloween
I crack myself up sometimes. So the drum n bass night was wicked fun. When Im drunk, everything is suddenly MINE. I had my drink, I finished it, I drank Alicia's, then I walked up to the man she was talking to, took his drink from his hand, looked straight into his face and drank it. I then borrowed a drink from the woman dancing next to me. Alicia began speaking Arabic to some strange man and when he asked, "how do you know arabic?" I butted in and said "because she's a WHORE" and then went off to dance. I found an unwrapped candybar from some other country on the bar, I took it, and ate it. Then, for some reason, the man speaking to Alicia in the green costume bought me a drink. And I heard a track from my old Jungle tape and I just about lost it. Then some chick did loose it and fell at the bar. The ambulance men came to take her away and the man in the green costume said "she ruined the party" and I said "tell me about it." we bought pizza, no, I acquired pizza. We went to another party, in an apartment I was in 2 years ago for a Halloween party. It was terribly weird. Different Occupants though. I met a bisexual Italian guy who said my "seducing was working" because I was an incubus. When we finally got home, I got out of the car, fell, and rolled down the hill on the pavement. No bruises tho.
Current Mood: silly

27th October 2007

8:58am: live on stage
I had a dream I was on stage with Bjork doing energetic interpretive dance during Pluto.

24th October 2007

4:50pm: back to school
Yesterday I went to SF State and sat in on a Psych Statistics Lecture for an hour and 45 minutes. It made me feel really dumb. Why did I go? I had nothing better to do.
Current Mood: hot
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